Questions

This is the edit from “OCD Stream of consciousness” posted on Feb 1/2014
I may do an audio reading of this, I don’t know if there would be any interest

 

As a child there were questions that haunted me

How to calculate the number of sand grains on the beach where I spent my summers
camped three months at a time
in sweltering heat
eyes pointed to the sun
squinting through eyelashes
forming coloured prisms in my vision

Questions like “is the ocean alive”
it seemed to breathe
its pulsing sound
the current
pulling
inhaling
and the eventual crash of water
like the exhale of a lover in my adulthood

There was
an attraction to that watery element
engulfing me at first light
and sometimes at dawn
while I stood
at the edge of liquid matter
then subdued in the night

I recall as the sun descended
pilot lights on the bow of fishing trawlers
watching fishermen pull their nets onto shore
where just outside the brightness of gas lamps
crab gathered collecting scraps

There were questions that haunted me
there were stars above our tents
cicadas chirping in the pine forrest
and I often wondered about their finite number
while I listened
downwind through a netted window
to crashing waves

The night
sometimes cool when my parents and I walked the shore
in thick
prickly
wool sweaters
me in the centre
swinging from their hands

On one such night a man handed me a sea horse
still alive
curling its tail
pulsing its armour-like flesh

I placed it in a bucket that night as i couldn’t bare to kill it
then waking to the blinding gaze of sunlight
rapping at the cloth of our canvas tents
me rubbing my sleepy eyes
only to find it asphyxiated in the fresh water

There were questions that haunted me
and not until years later did I realize
the sea
was simply a mirror for the sky
the sand simply a terrestrial map
of the stars

And though I had not given words to such things
my child mind had found the wonder of
impossibility
symmetry
awe

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